Dad used to tell me about rocks in your pocket. He said you should always carry at least one. Rock was a metaphor for grudge. He used to always say no one could hold a grudge like I could. And that my pockets were full. There was also a bit about a book getting rather heavy, again about holding grudges. He was good about metaphors, used them all the time. I learned to read between the lines more often than not. Made me a better adult. Cause people so often smudge the truth and skew reality to suit their needs. you have to look hard to get to the bottom of things
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all this. My own mother is dying. She's got cancer. Due to her actions in the last year we have decided to not be in her life anymore. We decided that she is posion to us and our family. She has made some really shitty choices. now she's sick and I'm supposed to just drop everything and go running. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen. I may relent and go, alone, just to see her. let her see me. If she's holding on until that moment, I would not want to prolong her agony by staying away. If my face is what she needs to let go of this mortal world, then I may decide to make that trip. My children will not be going. They have not seen her since mid March, and they seem fine. Sad to say. To our household she is already moved on to what ever life she has made for herself. So her being sick and dying, it's almost as if it's happening to someone I barely know. My mom, the woman I knew, died a year or so after my dad did. She became mentally ill and instead of wanting to get better, trying to get better, she seemed to like it and spiraled out of control. Saying and doing horrible things in order to push us further and further away.
My siblings will probably never understand my reasonings for choosing to stay away from her. At this point I can see almost no good to come of re engaging in her life, other than maybe one small visit. Sister doesn't had children to be emotionally damaged by her, it only takes a second to say something horrid to a child that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Why should I give her the chance to say anything to them? I won't. As for my brother, he does have 1 child but she is barely 2 and won't remember any of this. So he can bring her to visit and she can talk all the trash she wants, it won't harm the baby. If he wants to try to placate his dying mother with his child that's on him, not me. He's got motives that go beyond being a good son. Everyone can see it.
I guess I just needed to write this all out so I could see it for myself, plus to have it to come back to on weak days.
If I am feeling like the weight of this decision is too much to carry, I just think of laying it on a nother person. Thinking about transferring that heaviness onto another person's shoulders makes me realize that it's really not that heavy and that I can keep going.
Just like a person in pain in the hospital who is hooked up to a med-delivery system. Some ppl push the button every chance they get. Some ppl will hold out longer simply because the button is there. I guess I'm a hold out type. Go me...
